I Found the Link Between Calzones and Zombies!

calzones are amazong if they're not filled with sickness virus
How could such an amazing dish ever betray me?

It Began With a Calzone

Nobody suspects a calzone of being anything other than delicious. I mean, it’s a folded pizza pocket. A grown up and flavorful pizza roll without scalding the roof of your mouth.

And it is also one of the worst vectors for human viruses ever!

This story began the Wednesday before Thanksgiving when my brother-in-law and I ate this piece of Italian perfection at a local bar as an appeasement before his inevitable rant against turkey dinners. It was a lot of fun. But that night my brother-in-law got sick.

Really sick.

With vomiting, stomach pain, and lower GI symptoms that lasted throughout the night, the entirety of Thanksgiving, and even into the next day.

He tried to blame food poisoning but since I ate the same thing without issues that option seemed less likely. He then tried to blame the amount of dairy in this perfectly formed pizza-variant, which seemed reasonable… at first.


The March of Inevitability

About 3 days after my baby, Luke, had some of the same symptoms. He is a cheerful baby and would laugh, smile, vomit all over whoever was carrying him, laugh and smile again. He was so happy with his boot-and-rally we thought nothing of it. Turns out he was the strongest of us all.

Kristie’s Fall

Kristie was pretty tired over the weekend and slept a lot on Thursday, Friday, and the weekend itself. We assumed that she was fighting off the same thing. But on Wednesday she fell. Fevers of 102’F, shaking chills, no discernible gastrointestinal problems (Kristie told me she doesn’t have those body functions when we first started dating) and was much dead to the world for 36 hours.

There are three things that can take down my viking wife:

  • Adamantium bullets
  • Thor (although they’d probably just become friends)
  • This virus

That is the entire list. And I haven’t seen the other two outside of a Marvel movie. So this was serious.

Emmett Had Sympathy Sickness

Starting Tuesday night, Emmett also fell to the sickness. He is a healthy kid, so I think he was just trying to help his mommy feel like she had company. It’s sweet.

Well, except Emmett would announce his pending vomit with a howling cry that not only woke up the baby but also everyone in a 5 house radius.

He got the next 2 days off of school and learned that while skipping school may be fun, skipping school because you are actually sick is a bad deal.

Dead Man Walking

Me? During this entire time I felt great. I was watching Luke, helping Emmett, taking care of Kristie (when she was conscious) and firing on all dad cylinders. I was a rock star.

But I also knew I had already caught the virus and was in that window before all the symptoms start. And I saw EXACTLY what would happen.

I had never really understood the phrase “Dead Man Walking” until that point.

But I knew, with no doubt, the exact same problems that took down my family would soon get me.  It wasn’t a question of “if” but rather “when.”

I would like to say I had some great life epiphany during this window. That this strange feeling somehow changed me. But all it did was make me fear the zombie apocalypse (statistically less likely than robot apocalypse, but still scary) and wait for this virus to call my number.

That number was 6… pm that night, when I was the last in the family to fall victim to “The Calzone.”


The Aftermath

The Calzone is gone. Where are you guys?
Guys, you can come out.  The Calzone is gone. And I will have this dog forever… right?

I would like to say this story had a happy ending but about a week after this happened, Kristie, Luke and I are still not back to 100%.

Worse, I have seen friends on Facebook who are coming down with the same thing (not my fault, though! We boarded up our windows, quarantined the area and waited for Will Smith and his dog to rescue or us).

But to my friends who’re about to experience “The Calzone” – I am sorry for what you are going through. And if you haven’t had this go through your city or state yet… let’s hope it doesn’t. Although I think there is a small outbreak (for real) happening across the US right now.


The Moral of this Story

Since this is a personal post, I don’t feel that I need to interject medical facts. But I think this simple brush with zombieism helps illustrate a few good points:

  • Viruses spread days to weeks BEFORE symptoms start (otherwise, we probably would have been able to find a cure or solution by now).
  • It brings to light the importance of getting preventative vaccination BEFORE outbreaks happen (as I wrote in my controversial flu shot post).
  • And the rational for good hand washing (which remains the best way to prevent the spread of viruses).
  • Oh, and I will avoid calzones for a week or two.



  • Thank you! Your post really made me smile! The serious message got through but I loved the writing!

    I have found myself reading your pages after a horrific encounter with the infamous giardia parasite … 3 months into this nightmare and it appears I have all sorts of weird, never known before food intolerances. Nausea before and after most food, creaking joints, exhaustion, bubbling stomach, explosive gas (it should be funny!!)… to be honest on bad days I have no idea which way is up! And I have no idea what to eat! Any chance you can magic up a post about post infection intolerances and where to start with them!! Thanks muchly!

    • Thank you for this (sorry for my delay in replying).

      And giardia is the WORST! I was just telling a story about how, when I was 19, I “didn’t believe” in giardia and drank water from a stream. Needless to say, I am now a believer!

      I’ll work on an article and tag you when I write it. Until then… welcome to the club of “giardia is real and it is terrible.” Its probably not a very exclusive club… and also probably not a club we should be proud of joining… but all the same, welcome!

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